Perpsectives
Yes, it should read Perspectives. But it's all about perspective. When I first typed the word I made the typo and corrected it. And then I realised that given the content of the feature, maybe it would make more of an impact spelt incorrectly and as the purpose of this is impact rather than demonstrating I can spell (or at least use a spellchecker), I reverted to the typo. (I hope this also reassures you that I can spell or at least use a spellchequer.)
Anyway, the point is that so much of what gets profoundly messy for those of us with BPD is to do with perspective. I dabble in cartooning and the deletion of my perspective chromosome means that my pictures look not only like a 4 year old did them but that the inhabitants of the picture live in a crazy universe where things float in mid-air, are distorted in size and relationship to each other and it's all a big muddle.
A classic case of art reflecting life. When something sends me into the Red Zone, every millimetre of perspective shoots straight into the shredder. The situation is catastrophic, I'm terminally inadequate, nothing will make things OK ever again, why did we invade Iraq etc etc. (OK. I don't usually throw in the invasion which would be a logical and perspectiveful contribution.)
As always, being in the Red Zone is the hardest time to try to inject some perspective and we need to practice this when we're in our sensible Blue Zone. To give a couple of examples:
1. There are lots of stains on the kitchen tablecloth (and chairs, floor - all contents really). I used to think this was 'socially unacceptable', proved that I was careless, messy, unfashionable etc etc. Then I decided that actually they're evidence of having kids in my life, a balanced view of what to spend money on etc etc. A shift in perspective, and a 'problem' instantly dissolved.
2. I was (disproportionately) anxious about going to a Christmas/Chanukah lunch today with a colleague. I talked about it with my crisis therapist Patrick, and he gave me some new techniques for this sort of occasion. He asked me some questions about where we were going to eat, what dish I'd choose and other things to do with the event. Patrick isn't usually quite so interested in my food and once I'd responded, he explained that we'd been focusing on aspects of the event that were outside the stuff that was making me anxious. Focus is one element of perspective and again one that it helps reinforce by thinking in terms of taking photos. But the perspective clincher was when I spoke to my colleague to fix up the arrangements and he sounded luke-warm about the meal. It turns out that he has loads of work he needs to do and would prefer to skip the lunch. Result! And another illustration that my perspective on a situation (embarrassingly along the lines of a fixed assumptoin about the other person's enthusiasm about something) isn't necessarily (or often!) the other person's perspective/view.
Other perspective techniques courtesy of Patrick:
Reflect on the situation.
There are all sorts of ways of doing this without involving anyone else, eg
1. talking about what's bothering us while looking in the mirror. A very literal way of reflecting and gaining an extra element of detachment or objectivity
2. recording it into the voice or even movie device on a mobile phone
3. writing it down! A classic and astonishingly helpful as it forces us to pin down the problem rather than it shapelessly filling and overwhelming our head
4. describing the problem to Buddy. (Still not involving any other humans...) This is something I'm starting to practice when I'm feeling fine, so that I'm more likely to remember to try this when I'm in a bad state.
Contact the Samaritans
The Samaritans are so completely amazing. Available 24/7, by phone, email, text, letter and we can even go and speak with someone in some towns and cities. Speaking to someone wise, warm, non-judgmental, non-directive is the very best way of regaining perspective.
Anyway, the point is that so much of what gets profoundly messy for those of us with BPD is to do with perspective. I dabble in cartooning and the deletion of my perspective chromosome means that my pictures look not only like a 4 year old did them but that the inhabitants of the picture live in a crazy universe where things float in mid-air, are distorted in size and relationship to each other and it's all a big muddle.
A classic case of art reflecting life. When something sends me into the Red Zone, every millimetre of perspective shoots straight into the shredder. The situation is catastrophic, I'm terminally inadequate, nothing will make things OK ever again, why did we invade Iraq etc etc. (OK. I don't usually throw in the invasion which would be a logical and perspectiveful contribution.)
As always, being in the Red Zone is the hardest time to try to inject some perspective and we need to practice this when we're in our sensible Blue Zone. To give a couple of examples:
1. There are lots of stains on the kitchen tablecloth (and chairs, floor - all contents really). I used to think this was 'socially unacceptable', proved that I was careless, messy, unfashionable etc etc. Then I decided that actually they're evidence of having kids in my life, a balanced view of what to spend money on etc etc. A shift in perspective, and a 'problem' instantly dissolved.
2. I was (disproportionately) anxious about going to a Christmas/Chanukah lunch today with a colleague. I talked about it with my crisis therapist Patrick, and he gave me some new techniques for this sort of occasion. He asked me some questions about where we were going to eat, what dish I'd choose and other things to do with the event. Patrick isn't usually quite so interested in my food and once I'd responded, he explained that we'd been focusing on aspects of the event that were outside the stuff that was making me anxious. Focus is one element of perspective and again one that it helps reinforce by thinking in terms of taking photos. But the perspective clincher was when I spoke to my colleague to fix up the arrangements and he sounded luke-warm about the meal. It turns out that he has loads of work he needs to do and would prefer to skip the lunch. Result! And another illustration that my perspective on a situation (embarrassingly along the lines of a fixed assumptoin about the other person's enthusiasm about something) isn't necessarily (or often!) the other person's perspective/view.
Other perspective techniques courtesy of Patrick:
Reflect on the situation.
There are all sorts of ways of doing this without involving anyone else, eg
1. talking about what's bothering us while looking in the mirror. A very literal way of reflecting and gaining an extra element of detachment or objectivity
2. recording it into the voice or even movie device on a mobile phone
3. writing it down! A classic and astonishingly helpful as it forces us to pin down the problem rather than it shapelessly filling and overwhelming our head
4. describing the problem to Buddy. (Still not involving any other humans...) This is something I'm starting to practice when I'm feeling fine, so that I'm more likely to remember to try this when I'm in a bad state.
Contact the Samaritans
The Samaritans are so completely amazing. Available 24/7, by phone, email, text, letter and we can even go and speak with someone in some towns and cities. Speaking to someone wise, warm, non-judgmental, non-directive is the very best way of regaining perspective.
